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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Groundhog's lucky day


AUBURN, Maine —  My neighbor and I were forced to take this groundhog out for a long walk.

It would be a one-way ride. The furry critter wasn't coming back. We didn't want the darn thing around the neighborhood. It was bringing down property values. Enraged gardeners were arming themselves with pitchforks, razor-sharp sickles, guns and Sherman tanks.

Don Michael Corleone reacted the same way in "The Godfather," when the family discovered Sal Tessio had become a traitor and was part of a conspiracy to eliminate poor Michael.

Like Tessio, the groundhog was about to disappear from Bennett Street for good. Its fate was sealed after it ravaged my broccoli plants. The animal was responsible for several missing tomato plants in my neighbor's yard. We knew the little scoundrel couldn't resist the fresh broccoli stored in the trap.

I wanted revenge and my pound of flesh.

Well, our neighbor bagged the fat fella.

I looked at the groundhog trapped in my neighbor's cage. It tried to buy itself time,  almost saying,"For old time's sake, Tony."

"Can't do it, groundhog," I coldly said. "Not this time."

Tessio's pleas for mercy were also ignored after the order was given by the Don to eliminate the bushwhacking Sal.

I looked at the nervous hairball in the cage. This animal was responsible for killing off three broccoli plants. It was murder, I tell ya. Those vegetables never had a chance against this animal's sharp teeth. I was damned if I would continue to contribute to this groundhog's vegetarian lifestyle.

It had to pay for the damaged seedlings, and we had to make an example of the hairy pest. If not, all groundhogs might think they could waltz into any backyard for a free meal.

After watching my garden survive six days of torrential rain, I wasn't about to let this scavenger make a meal out of my small farm.

But knocking off this cute, obese SOB was out of the question.

Groundhogs are nervous wrecks. They are always looking over their shoulders for the law. A little bit of noise sends them heading for the hills. These compact fat guys can really move when they are under duress.

Don decided to pack up his trap with the groundhog and relocate it about 10 miles from our neighborhood. It was sort of witness protection program for groundhogs that run amok.

But the location will remain undisclosed because there are some gardeners still seeking revenge.
And I want no part of a vigilante group.


After all, I am a friend to dogs, animals, bugs and groundhogs.

But nobody messes with Dad's Garden! 

Nobody!

Just ask Tessio.

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Out and about

Take a walk on the wild side around New England's outdoors. Come walk with my son and I as we explore state parks, historic sites, and creepy cemeteries. This is the good stuff in life, and there is nothing worth watching on television, anyway. Join us as we take advantage of Maine's beaches and pristine forests. In between our sojourns through the Pine Tree State, look for political insight and a few well-written opinion pieces as well.