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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Goodfellows52: This critter is grounded

Goodfellows52: This critter is grounded: "One touch of nature makes the whole world kin."                                                                     ...

This critter is grounded




"One touch of nature makes the whole world kin." 
                                                                 
                                                                        William Shakespeare


AUBURN, Maine Here is another job I can add to my resume — trapper.

For several weeks, I noticed a nibble here, a nibble there as my broccoli plants were slowly being chewed to pieces. The phantom animal moved on to sample my cucumbers. 

What was next? My tomato plants! 

No way! This was my home and my garden was under assault. It was time to go to Defcon 5 and issue an APB on this elusive critter.

Whenever I turned my back, the culprit, which dropped in for breakfast, lunch, and dinner nearly everyday, is no stranger to gardeners across New England. 

Groundhogs are hated by green thumbs who the brave the elements, bugs and wildlife to grow vegetables. Groundhogs are the reason why makers of steel traps remain in business. There is no high-tech method to remove these scourges.

These fat bastards are said to be cuddly and cute, but let's remember it is a god damn rodent that is a nuisance as well as destructive. 

But it was time to throw down the gauntlet and take this sneaky rat out for a walk. I wanted to kill it, but my son, who has a kind heart and is a friend to all animals, persuaded me to cut the slovenly woodchuck a pardon. He said it would look stupid for big guy like me to beat up on a four-pound animal that is only guilty of doing what comes naturally to its species.

I cursed the groundhog's existence and threatened to the drop the fat fellow from a rope, but I listened to my family's common sense not to harm the gnawer, which treated my garden as its own personal smorgasbord.

My next door neighbor, Don, who often uses one of those effective Have-aHart traps to bag groundhogs, gave me permission to use his cage and trap the elusive bastard.

I set the trap, hoping this wasn't the brightest bulb in his family of adorable rats. But after a week, the varmint hadn't taken the bait. I figured the fluffy fat hairball knew what I was up to or found another garden to satisfy its insatiable appetite.

I had one more opportunity to capture the elusive groundhog. I decided to switch bait and go with a couple of sweet slices of watermelon to lure it into the trap.

I went to work Friday night when I received an urgent call from my wife. "Anthony found the groundhog in the trap," my wife said. "Wanna come home and see it."

I knew I could not leave work and told her that the old fat bastard would have to spend the night in our yard in a cage. 

It was not a happy critter.

The next morning Anthony and I paid the groundhog a visit. It hissed at me at times when I approached it and was not pleased with the cage's accommodations. 

We threw a sheet over him, lined the SUV with newspapers and headed to the outskirts of a state park. The groundhog was held in incommunicado until we reached our secret destination six miles from our home to set the voracious critter loose.

I placed the trap on the ground. I had Anthony on standby with a Bufford Pusser-type bat in his hand just in case the animal turned on me and wanted to pay me back for its apprehension.

I lifted the lid, and after a few seconds of hesitation, the groundhog bolted out of the cage like bullet of gun and headed for cover in the Maine woods.

"Look at 'em go," I said.

It wanted no part of us, but I am surprised it didn't give me the middle figure.

The best part of this adventure was being with my son. We cracked jokes and laughed all the way home.

It was a cool way to have a father-and-son moment and get up close and personal with nature.

I am sure this groundhog wouldn't agree.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Goodfellows52: A gardener and the Boston Bruins hit pay dirt

Goodfellows52: A gardener and the Boston Bruins hit pay dirt: “Gardens are a form of autobiography.”                                                    ―   Sydney Eddison ,   Growing Older ...

A gardener and the Boston Bruins hit pay dirt





“Gardens are a form of autobiography.” 
                                                 ― Sydney Eddison, Growing Older with Your Garden: How to  Garden Wiser as You Grow Older


AUBURN, Maine — The dirty deed is done.

I am not talking about the Boston Bruins dealing out a can of ass-whooping against the Pittsburgh Penguins. The Big Bad Asses from Boston won four straight, and I am confident the Stanley Cup is theirs just as sure as the late U.S. Gen. George S. Patton took Palermo and beat British Gen. Bernard Mongomery to capture Messina during the Sicily campaign in World War II.

Kudos to my beloved Bruins who have the skills, talent and the finesse to beat the Blackhawks for the Stanley Cup, which begins Wednesday night.

When I mention dirt, I am talking about my garden, which I planted last week. I also planted flowers next to the miniature windmill to brighten up the place, but I prefer plants you can consume at the dinner table.

I like really good dirt. I like the texture of good soil.  I enjoy eating fresh vegetables that grow in good dirt that is not polluted by fertilizers or pesticides. When I see that dark, rich black gold mixed with a year's worth of compost churn under the blades of a powerful tiller, I want to plunge my hands into the soil and begin planting.

That's why I like getting my hands dirty each spring. I have played in dirt all my life, and I think I am a better man for it.

My garden will feature summer squash (from seed), egg plant, zucchini, 18 tomato plants, broccoli, lettuce, Swiss chard (from seed), spinach (from seed), and carrots (from seed). My garden is like an old variety show from 1970s, and the stars are vegetables.

But I must warn all amateur gardeners that varmints are out and about and will wreak havoc on all green thumbs. The groundhogs have already bushwhacked my place, and my lettuce seedlings took a hit. I have now placed a bounty on the furry bastards. These nuisances better be looking over their shoulders.

I am not sure about our climate this growing season. April resembled March and May looked helluva lot like April. June has been an up-and-down month that continues to confound me. The monsoons are upon us and I am hoping my garden will hold up this season.

Farmers understand they are at the whim of nature and there is not a damn thing gardeners can do about it, either. The little varmints like aphids and Japanese beetles will come to know the swift hand of natural poisons.

So we roll the dice and take our chances, hoping our gardens yield a bumper crop that saves us some dough and provides us our recommended daily serving of organic vegetables.

Gardening is a dirty business, but amateur farmers like us have to do it.

Besides, we are going to love our vegetables. I guarantee it.

Out and about

Take a walk on the wild side around New England's outdoors. Come walk with my son and I as we explore state parks, historic sites, and creepy cemeteries. This is the good stuff in life, and there is nothing worth watching on television, anyway. Join us as we take advantage of Maine's beaches and pristine forests. In between our sojourns through the Pine Tree State, look for political insight and a few well-written opinion pieces as well.