Around the horn

FROZEN FALLS: Snow covers the rocks around the Androscoggin Falls.

AUBURN, Maine - If Congress decides to pull the plug on the federal government this Friday, I was hoping all senators and representatives would also go without a paycheck and give their constituents a respite from long-winded speeches and empty promises.

But I found out that the Keystone Cops (Congress) are deemed essential personnel and will still be cut a check each week.

The only good news about keeping our foolish and fearless leaders on the payroll is that it will prevent triggering sobbing episodes from Speaker of the House John Boehner, who could also shed tears during hilarious episodes of the "Three Stooges."

After four years of unemployment, an economy that continues to run on empty, and conflicts galore, which we can't keep our dirty paws off of, Congress will still get paid even though these guys have done will little to right this sinking ship.

If Boehner wants throw open the spigots, he should take a look at all the foreclosed homes, boarded-up businesses and the rising gas and food prices as the American middle class evaporates right in front of his water-filled eyes.

Now that is something cry about.

Here at home

Over the last two days, central Maine took another whooping from Mother Nature. Auburn received 12 inches of snow and the cold winds continue to howl and frustrate even the most hardy Mainers, who want to see Old Man Winter go away.

SNOWBOUND: Anthony lurks behind this mountain of snow.

For snowmobiliers and skiers, another blanket of snow is just what winter lovers ordered after nearly two weeks of sun and frigid temperatures.

For my son, it was an opportunity to job shadow members of the Lost Valley ski patrol team on Saturday after Old Man Winter laid down a fresh blanket of snow. Should he decide to pursue becoming a member of the ski team next season, he will have to take an EMT (Emergency Medical Training) this summer.

So far he is sold on the idea.

Happy trails to you

For the past two weeks, all was quiet in western Maine. That lull coaxed us into believing the walkways around the Androscoggin River were free of ice.

SNOWY OUTLOOK: Anthony checks out the winter scene.

But one look around and we discovered the a few days of warm weather and a stronger sun could not melt away the ice that covered the walkways.

The Androscoggin River walkway is about a mile around and then there is the falls, which is sort of like a mini Niagara Falls. The falls during the spring is something to behold. When the snow melts and April showers move in, the falls roar and can be quite impressive.

Before heading on the pedestrian trail, take a small hike up near the falls and stand on the platform and hear the roar of the falls and feel its fine mist

The walk will take you past Festival and Bonney parks where you will cross the river over a trestle bridge, which gives an eye-opening view of the river. After crossing, you can head over to Railroad Park and head back to the bridge that separates Lewiston and Auburn.

All we could do is admire the slow-running falls and we eventually walked back to the car and head to the gym.

And after the last snowstorm and an ice storm on deck for Monday, we will have to wait until the end of march to take a spin around the Androscoggin.

Model behavior

Anthony looks over his creations, including a wooden plane I built for him when he as six.

Anthony displays his latest model, the U.S. Navy's Avenger

AUBURN, Maine - It is that hands-on-experience that makes this hobby more appealing and educational than any video game on the market.

For this family, the WEE is not for us, and video games are as enjoyable as watching me weed the garden or sweeping the driveway. Spending hours in front of a computer screen knocking off bad guys or shooting a basketball with the push of button really isn't entertaining for a family who would rather walk the beach or hike a small mountain.

Putting together the Titanic, the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Enterprise or adding the finishing touches to the turret of a Sherman tank is an incredible learning experience for a child who wants to know how things work and how these magnificent machines have changed the entire planet and interact with mankind.

This unique hobby allows anyone to build a ship, plane or muscle car on a kitchen table in the privacy of their own home. And when these projects come to fruition, the proud and industrious creators of these plastic or wooden wonders end up learning about history as well as how each part of an automobile or plane functions.

Building plastic or wooden models require brains, patience, engineuity and resourcefulness, and all four prerequisites can be taught to your child for the cost of glue and a model. 

The only educational toys that come close to building a model of the Hindenburg are Legos or Erector sets, and my son is a master builder of ships using Legos. 

A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Nantucket takes shape.

For us, video games are a straight waste of our time, but building a model with my precious son is a rewarding experience that enlightens us and gives a father and son an opportunity to work together on a project that involves a great deal of creativity and teamwork.

All work and all play

While the winter winds howl outside and we are forced to spend most of time indoors taking cover from the elements, my son is working on three models,  which include the Avenger, the U.S. Navy's World War II vintage torpedo bomber, the lightship "Nantucket" and the U.S.S. Oliver Hazard Perry, a guided missile frigate.

We have just finished spray painting parts to the Avenger and the Nantucket. The Avenger, in all its deadly splendor, was completed today.

But models are not cheap, and the purchase of large-scale and intricate behemoths that are sometimes motorized can run well over a $100, and if painting and batteries are required, then it really puts the hurt in your wallet. The U.S.S. Melvin has a complicated motor and is about three feet long and cost nearly $100, but we purchased it for far less at a discount store.

Building the wooden planes and ships that I have done in the past for my son certainly put my woodworking skills to the test, but the love that went into those projects were for a son who enjoys learning and is an outstanding student, and that is why there is no comparison when it comes to model-making or video games.

Anthony's boat clock he built in tech lab.

Anthony and I started making models (our first was a 1930s pick-up truck) when he was just five years old, and about four years later, he completed a model of the Titanic,which is difficult for an adult, never a mind a 9 year old.

He was hooked after completing his first model, and video games never became a priority in life. Thanks to his making of model ships, he has become an authority on naval crafts dating as far back as the 1500s. 

A majority of Anthony's knowledge about navy ships and warplanes was ascertained from building models, books and the Internet.

So much for video games.

Jeopardizing our sanity

AUBURN, Maine — Alex, please pull the plug on Watson and allow real, live human beings to continue answering those tough questions about history, math and science on "Jeopardy."

Watching Watson reel off correct responses at a velocity that would make any NASCAR driver's head spin was as exciting as watching me butter toast or raking leaves.

No kidding, Mr. Trebek,  button up Watson and give us back the carbon units (Star Trek still rules). Human beings make great contestants compared to a bucket of wires and bulbs that has the personality of a rotting tree stump.

"Jeopardy" is one of the few game shows that places extraordinary demands on smart minds. Placing that miniature monolith of a computer between Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter was an insult to mankind.

So Watson is fast and answers just about anything! Wow! What will they think of next! I am still excited about the invention of the wheel and discovery of fire.

After one night of witnessing Watson trying to make two smart men obsolete, I was more than eager to watch endless reruns of "The Three Stooges." Moe, Larry and Curly would make much better contestants than this high-tech know-it-all.

But what computer geeks forget is this maze of wiring and switches was brought to fruition by men, who will always be superior to machines. Watson's "traveling at the speed of light" brain isn't really that impressive in an age when the average laptop still amazes me.

For the last three nights, those of us with sound minds have endured watching this monolith, which seems like a refugee from "2001: A Space Odyssey," spit out answers like a .50-caliber machine gun. This bland computer had me hoping an astronaut would appear and silence this sophisticated blabbermouth like he did when he pulled HAL's guts apart in a "Space Odyssey."

Sure, human beings are frail, get old, commit crimes and eventually die, but a brainiac computer doesn't even come close to standing in for human contestants.

Alex, I hope Watson's debut was a once-in-a-lifetime appearance for the sake of all mankind and "Jeopardy's" ratings and humanity.

Technology is remarkable and certainly has a place in society, and Watson is truly a wonder. But it is a machine  conceived by men, and Watson's vast technological mind will never, ever top the birth of a child and the unconditional love that accompanies a newborn's arrival on earth.

And I am betting Watson doesn't have the correct answer for my response!

Hitting the slopes

 

"Skiing is a dance, and the mountain always leads." 

                                                                 Author Unknown

AUBURN, Maine — He's tried his hand at baseball, kicked around a soccer ball, ran track one summer, swam miles in an Olympic-size pool without drowning, but when my son slipped on a pair of skis and raced down white powdery slopes, he found another passion in the dead of winter on a wind-swept, snow-covered mountain.

Where did I go wrong!

Who would have figured my lanky 14 year old would rather barrel down the side of a frigid mountain than play catch or toss around the old pigskin with his dear-old dad.

Just what the heck happened here, anyway? He is about to become a ski bum. Fellow skiers will start calling him DUDE! I will continue to address him as Anthony even though he is joining the high-flyin' clan at Dude World.

He had to go and choose one of the most expensive outdoor sports, where snow, wind and cold wreak havoc on a soul. Paying for swimming lessons is like a drop in the bucket compared to buying a season pass and skis. I am a cash-strapped dad who will need to apply for a second mortgage on my house to pay for his need for speed on winter-whipped days. Track and swimming require shorts, sneakers and goggles. All you need for baseball is a glove, ball and bat. Soccer is easy on the wallet, too.

Most sane people remain indoors when Old Man Winter gets his dander up, but my son ignores Arctic blasts from Canada and heads up the mountain despite bone-chilling cold and falling snow. He is like "Jeremiah Johnson" and "Grizzly Adams" all rolled into one when it comes to the Great Outdoors - and I love him for his tenacity when it comes to his love of nature.

I watch from the huge windows at Lost Valley as he waves from the lift. My heart is my mouth when he takes that slow ride to the top. We both understand there is a great deal of risk that comes with gliding through the snow on a pair of skis. There is danger in this sport, and people have been injured on the slopes around the world.

I worry, but I am so damn proud of him. I believe it takes a certain amount of courage and insanity to speed down a mountain on two narrow skis. 


Just standing on skis without crashing to the ground is an accomplishment for me.

But how can I say no to an honor student who prefers books to video games and the vast wasteland of television. I would rather see him doing laps in a warm pool. Watching him whizzing around snow-packed slopes on cold winter days gives me the chills.

I know he still enjoys swimming, but skiing is now a part of his life, and I would rather see him criss-cross the slopes than have a joy stick in his lap and eyes trained on a video game. There is also a risk when a precious child spends hours in front of a computer monitor and ignores his parents and the outdoors.

I am betting the entire family will become nomads in the winter, spending a lot of time at lodges around Maine next season. But while he skis, I will be traipsing around the base of the mountain on snowshoes.

I can't let him have all the fun - and snowshoeing will help me keep my mind off my son as he traverses the snowy slopes.

Dinosaur discovered

AUBURN, Maine - A large dinosaur skull that was discovered in a homeowner's backyard has left local authorities and archeologists scratching their heads over how it got there.

"This is one of the most exciting finds in the state of Maine," said Thomas McCoy, curator of the Johnson Museum in northern Maine. "I can only speculate how this behemoth emerged from the soil and under this guy's porch."

The ancient skull was found after a father and son were shoveling the driveway when they first noticed the giant bone protruding from the snow.

"I am simply baffled," said homeowner Johnny Dig-a-ditch-eo, who is also an amateur dinosaur hunter. "This is just freaking crazy to see a large dinosaur head underneath my porch. Can you believe it."

By Sunday afternoon, curious neighbors began surrounding the property to get a look at the bleached skull.

"Like, I can't believe this thing. It's like a giant monster," said Serena Augustas of Portland.

Augustas heard something about the unusual find on Facebook and just had to see it for herself.

Archeologist George Franco, of the National Institute of Old Bones, said he is trying to obtain permission from the homeowner to have the site excavated.

But Dig-a-Ditch-eo is not sure if he wants to part with the skull.

"Hey, I might start charging people who want to take a look at this thing. Times are tough and I could use the money," said the stunned homeowner, as a crowd continued to circle the find.

Are you serious? Aah, not really!

Obviously, this tongue-and-cheek news story is really about a father and son who had the time of their lives modeling a dinosaur out of snow, which continues to fall with no end in sight during this outlandish winter.

We didn't need video games or a television set to spend a Sunday afternoon together. All we required was a shovel and some serious imagination to create this monstrosity from the past.

The sun was out, temperatures reached the mid 40s, which is like beach weather after days of below-normal temperatures in the Pine Tree State, and the snow was like clay. To spend such a wonderful day inside messing with a computer or watching another pathetic television show is a travesty and a missed opportunity to spend time with my child.

I am a proud and attentive father who discovered long ago that children want the time of day and attention from their parents. A trip to Disney World would be a wonderful event for this cash-strapped family, but a 100-mile drive to Fort Knox and checking out 10- and 12-inch Civil-War era cannon is a better buy and an opportunity for this family of three to step back in the past and enjoy the Pine Tree's rich history.

Time is always of the essence when it comes to forging an unbreakable bond with your child.

Archie "Moonlight" Graham, the lovable character in "Field of Dreams," put it this way: 

"We don't recognize our most significant moments while they're happening. Back then I thought, Well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that was the only day."

While there will be other days with my son, Sunday was the only day to bring that dinosaur to life.

If I were in charge of the world

 

The poet in residence

If I were in charge of the world,

I'd end all wars

we'd eat s'mores and

I would make chocolate milk the drink of the world

 

If I were in charge of the world,

I'd make mozzarella sticks good for people

Everyday would be a holiday

We'd all be nice to beetles and

Every one would read an hour a day

 

If I were in charge of the world

all cars and televisions would be demolished

We'd use airships instead of air planes

global warming would be abolished and

I'd make trains cleaner inside

 

If I were in charge of the world,

there would be fewer people like George Bush

All war movies would be G

and a person who sometimes forgot to help

and some times got caught in kelp

would still be allowed to be

in charge of the world

 

Written by my son two years ago

Weathering Mother Nature

AUBURN, Maine — The weather guys and gals were in the ball park this time.

 

This winter storms that packed a 1-2 punch hit New England dead on Tuesday and Wednesday, leaving about  a total of 15 inches of snow in their wake. But these were not epic snowstorms that shut down communities for days and left cars and trucks stranded on interstates across the six-state region.

 

The benchmark for all New Englanders who were around on that tranquil February day is the Blizzard of 1978, where Boston nearly received nearly three feet of snow in 33 hours, closed roads and highways for a week, and killed 76 people in New England. So these storms have got nothing on the '78 Blizzard.

If anything, these were run-of-the-mill storms that added aggravation to frustrated New Englanders who are hoping February makes a quick exit and March is balmy and sunny.

 

But it has been fun to watch TV reporters standing outside and measuring snow with their hands and tell us all what we already knew when we looked outside a window or picked up a shovel on Wednesday —  there was a lot of snow on the ground.

 

The white stuff fell fast, and you know it is a premium storm when the city snowplow driver yells from his window, "It fell too damn fast." 

 

Indeed it did, damn it!  

 

The driver of the plow smiled, and with one swipe of industrial-strength blade, my driveways were sealed with a barrier of heavy snow that resembled the Great Wall of China. There is not much a home owner can do when those mammoth snow plows bury driveways and walkways in one felt swoop. They are only doing their job. Yelling or signaling them with a middle finger to demonstrate your anger when snow is pushed across your driveway only proves you are a moron.

 

The white stuff can't stay in the street forever.

 

There are a pair of small storms on deck for Saturday and next Tuesday. Those storms will give us another couple of days to lament about Old Man Winter and his underhandedness.But I have made my peace with this grumpy old man, who will hang around for another two months before spring shoves him aside and turns white into green.