That Darn, Frigging Cat

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."

                                                                                                                                      Terry Pratchett 

AUBURN, Maine — I watched through my binoculars from the back porch, hoping to catch another glimpse of the two perpetrators ravaging my garden.

I thought when I captured one groundhog that was tormenting my plants that would be the end of it, but I had hard evidence that the creatures had returned and witnessed them in the act twice.

A Have a Hart trap was set in the corner of the yard near my neighbor's fence to catch the bastards, which work in tandem. I trained my binoculars on the cage, and sure enough, the hairy groundhog began munching on a trail of broccoli. It sat on its fat ass enjoying its free dinner.

"C'mon, you son of bitch. trip that frigging trap so I can remove your fat ass from my premises, " I said to myself.

The groundhog kept gnawing away on the vegetable when a cat suddenly popped out from under the fence and behind the ravenous and unsuspecting groundhog.

I couldn't believe I was viewing the whole damn thing through my binoculars.

"What the fu-- is a cat doing there? Wait a minute, that's my fu--ing cat," I yelled from the porch.

The f-bombs continued to fly. I began carpet bombing my home with obscenities.

My stunned cat gave the shocked groundhog that look of  "what the fu#$@ are you doing here. This is my territory."

Both animals suddenly bolted in opposite directions. That darn cat ruined my chance to bag the bastard who has been swiping free vegetables from my garden.

"Thanks a lot, Tabby," I bellowed from the back porch.

Tabby is a great cat, but enjoys too much sex and brawling with other felines in the neighborhood. We have spent hundreds of dollars repairing his wounds after countless cat fights. He looks like Rocky Balboa after going 15 rounds with Apollo, and I am like Rocky's manager, Mick, cursing whenever we have to go to the vet and open our empty wallets.

And yet, he is like sentry patrolling the yard, keeping destructive critters off our property.

But at the end of this month, Tabby is going to be fixed, which means he won't like us for a month, and I will save money.

In the meantime, I will relentlessly pursue the two groundhogs. I have placed a bounty on their heads. 

I still have a good shot at capturing them — if that darn cat of mine stays away.

For the moment, though, the two slippery groundhogs have been granted a reprieve from my cat.

Just a footnote

Despite my cat's best efforts to screw up my attempts to catch and relocate a pair of pesky groundhogs, I caught one of the varmints Sunday night. He was cute little bugger, so we took him for quick ride and gently released it at an undisclosed location away from homes. You should have seen this thing bolt down a well-worn path in the woods.

Right now, I feel like a cab driver dropping off rodents to their new homes.

But my son and wife won't allow me to permanently remove the cute rats, so I have become a great humanitarian and a good friend to all animals great and small.