Life really is for the birds

'Everyone likes birds. What wild creature is more accessible to our eyes and ears, as close to us and everyone in the world, as universal as a bird?' 

— Sir David Attenborough

AUBURN, Maine — I have been watching an air show in my front yard from the comfort of my parlor couch for the past five years.

The year-round show goes on outside my picture window.

I watch organic gliders fall from the ski and come in for a smooth landing at my bird feeder. I also hung a tin grate of suet for birds that enjoy gourmet food. There is a liquid feeder on hand for diminutive hummingbirds that come and go like a mild breeze.

My front yard could use an air traffic controller from Logan Airport to keep these hungry buzzards from bouncing off my picture window.

My yard is the perfect habitat for these winged creatures. The front section of the property is surrounded by thick hedges, which provides privacy for us and cover for the birds that hide inside the thicket from cats and other predators.

You know birds are on their way when they line up on the top of hedges and act as lookouts for their feathered friends heading for the feeder.

We have all types including: nuthatches, robins, cardinals, blue jays, a variety of woodpeckers, catbirds and a pair of mockingbirds that are the neighborhood bullies. Mockingbirds sing their hearts out for all of us, but they are aggressive and a bossy pair. They chase away other birds. I have seen them dive bomb the squirrel as it scaled the feeding pole to go after the suet.

Mockingbirds think they own my hard, and you know what, they really do.

They are nasty to their fellow vertebrates but what a sweet tune they carry when they sing for all of us.

The other day, a large woodpecker the size of crow touched down in my cherry tree and began hammering away at the branch. It is called pileated woodpecker. My wife has become an amateur ornithologist and looks up the names of each visiting bird. 

A bird feeder is great for live entertainment. We have this fat SOB of a squirrel that goes after the suet. We knock on the window to scare it off, but it gives us an annoying look and goes right on stuffing its fat face with suet.

I retaliated. Suet costs money and the good birds of Androscoggin County deserve a descent meal.

Sure, squirrels are handsome rats, but to hell with the rodents, I say — especially since I am footing the bill for the pillaging for my bird seed.

I armed myself with olive oil at first, but that became an expensive weapon of choice. I switched to cooking oil and greased the pole with the slick, black stuff.

I waited for the squirrel to strike. He slipped into the yard and bounced on over to the pole. He made his ascent, and every time it tried climbing to the top, the son of bitch slid back down.

I was rolling on the ground with glee at the level of frustration in its face. The disgusted rat gave up after 30 minutes to the laughter of all of us.

The birds were mighty pleased to see the fury suet robber call it quits.

It really is amazing that a bag of bird seed and hunk of suet can draw some of nature’s finest entertainers from around the Northeast.

Welcome to the show that never ends.